I do love seeing all the recognition that moms get on International Mother’s day. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are flooded with status updates and photographs of hardworking awesome women who receive their annual high-five from their kids, siblings, parents and other halves. It makes me think of all the skills and talent that mothers need to fulfill this always busy, sometimes annoying, super exhausting, frequently rewarding and always unconditional job.
To me motherhood is when I’m assured that my kid isn’t going to end up a complete troll even during those moments of supermarket breakdowns and just-before-bedtime tantrums. Motherhood It’s a good mix of joy, irritation, love and fear and a lifetime commitment to one career. So in the spirit of my lifelong career here’s how my current CV reads …
I’m an excellent Fast Food chef. In fact, I make 3-Michelin starred chefs look like amateurs. I don’t see them whipping up 4 different meals in ½ an hour in order to please the head-shaking, famished but fussy customer yelling “No, I don’t like that” – even though yesterday the first option was a favourite!
I am the queen of negotiation. I can bribe, cajole, entice and occasionally influence very strongly, and my best time of the day to use these skills is generally around mealtimes and bedtime when my toddler pulls out his best “I’m starving/scared of monsters/ one more story/ thirsty/ need to wee/ one more kiss” strategies.
I’m a qualified magician. I can find a snack, lollypops, water, wet wipes or toys cars (maybe just not quite a live rabbit) from the deepest darkest places of my handbag, and all just in time before my underage audience has a hunger/boredom/thirst/snot-nose melt-down.
I’m a world-class DJ. My music repertoire is better than Kanye, Sinatra, Beyonce and Mozart put together. I can un-bored a bored toddler with an immense song collection – oh yeah, and right off the top of my head. No lessons or voice training required. That is how talented I am!
I’m the Sleep Whisperer with a PhD in patience. Who needs Gina Ford’s bootcamp routine when I’ve got a pacifier/bottle/blankie? And if ALL else fails I’m so mentally strong I’ll push bébé around in his pram until he falls asleep – and HE. WILL. FALL. ASLEEP (eventually)!
I’m an IT Genius. I can YouTube a Mickey/Barney/youfillintheblack video faster than you can say meeeeellllt-doooown. Who says dining in restaurants with a toddler isn’t an awesome experience right?!
I am a Running Encyclopedia with a Diploma in Google. I know the answer to everything. Why did Dinosaurs die out? Where do babies come from? Why don’t people have tails? How does Santa get in when there’s no chimney? Are there monsters in under my bed? Why does my teacher have a moustache like Daddy? Where does the moon go during the day? While I do try to give the finest, most intelligent answers to all these profound and meaningful questions, sometimes my unsurpassed answers are “Just because” and “because it was designed like that” – Hah! I guess I do have one over Google!
I’m a Skilled Fashion Stylist and Personal Shopper. I know my way around a kids clothing store like Kim Kardashian around a tight short skirt. But when your clientele is more of a diva than Naomi Campbell with a crap assistant, it does make the job of personal shopper a little more challenging. Arguing with a 4 year old on what is “cool” is pretty taxing most mornings.
I’m a Talented Photographer. I’m lightening fast to pull out that iPhone to snap the impeccable image of blurred child seconds after the perfect image. This is when my negotiation skills come in best, to coerce child to re-do that once-in-a-lifetime moment so that it can be added to the family album, the one waiting to be put together. First milestones? Nailed them!
I’m a World Champion Weightlifter. Toddler, scooter, handbag, groceries, toy car, snacks and water bottle all carried by moi whilst pushing a baby in pram. Can anyone say Pack Horse?
I’m a Search & Rescue Expert. My assignment is in the Tiny Plastic Pieces Division. I’m tasked to seek out the smallest (most insignificant) Lego piece that is apparently the only piece good enough to complete the volcano shooting rocket car with wings and a super-fast jet pack. Guess where that piece is? I have NO idea either!
I’m also adding the skills of Social Secretary for after school playdates, Fortune Teller (I can see exactly how this scenario is going to end… and it’s usually in tears) and Family Law Enforcer. And often I’ve filled in as Head of the Department of Let’s Pretend and as a Minister of Health, Safety and Security.
But most importantly, I’m the President of the Jack and Tom fan club!
To all those mamas out there who are as brilliant as I am, pour yourself a large glass of wine and I hope you’re having an awesome day! Happy Mother’s day.
Please comment and feel free to add some more skills – I’d love to have a giggle too!